Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.
If I’d only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today. Provided I’d started with a hundred million dollars.
Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy’s heart stops, and you’re the one who has to fix it!
People talk about sexual assault like it’s a bad habit that men have.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they’re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
A guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking.
I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.
It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
It’s a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.
McVeigh’s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?
Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.