Clearly, I’m way older than everyone.
I never thought I’d say this, but I miss voter fraud.
If you break someone’s leg, shouldn’t you have to be the crutch for a while?
Isn’t that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don’t wanna have to go home and change into shorts...
At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?
It’s a wonder our country doesn’t implode.
Nathan Lane’s Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.
How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up.
I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.
People! Take to the streets and scream ‘BE REASONABLE!’
You know, I’ve always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
Models talk to you for six minutes and they’re very nice and they say thank you and then it’s off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There’s only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that’s your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn’t quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I’ll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
Megachurches. I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.
Don’t worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
In case you’re wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you’re all wearing at home.
I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.