Everyone just needs to get over themselves.
We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.
Do you know what writing a book is? It’s sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.
I’m a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
They create these rules and argue about things we don’t even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you’re sort of amused, but most of the time you’re thinking, pick up the ball! That’s what you’re thinking.
I have a lot of hostility.
At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It’s not going to be like, ‘I really want to do The Daily Show and I’d love to turn it into an abstract musical.’ I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.
Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I’ll run that.
To me, that’s where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.
I mean, I’m not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I’m hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.
The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we’ll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn’t steal it. It’s really a throwback to that.
There’s always anxiety when you start a new job, you’re the one guy who doesn’t know where the ketchup is.
Al-Qaeda’s resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration’s math and logic.
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that’s all I would ask for.
Bush’s popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!
It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won’t have guard dogs.
In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President’s efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.
The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.