Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator.’ You can’t even use the word ‘rich.’ You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.’
Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything.
I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.
Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.
I’m not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
I can be in 20 movies. But I’ll never be an actor.
Congress, the legislative stone in America’s urethra.
We declared war on terror-it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.
Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?
I don’t approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.
I think the main thing that has to end is men’s defensiveness.
I’m doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It’s a little thing called “fear of success”.
Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.
The last thing we’ll hear is some scientist saying ‘It works!’
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it’s that the terrorists can attack us, but they can’t take away what makes us American – our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
A joke is a joke. There’s an expression – I don’t know if you have it – that’s ‘adding insult to injury.’
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what’s wrong with what we’ve done in Iraq. We’ve been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
If you watch the news and don’t like it, then this is your counter program to the news.