I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.
I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.
I’ve always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I’m too short to host a late-night talk show. It’s like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we’re in a battle between tyranny and freedom – it’s a series of pendulum swings.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Here’s the point – you’re looking at affirmative action, and you’re looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who’s gonna wanna work?
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn’t even know they had.
I’m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time’s a charm.
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.
It’s like hunting cows.
If you’re going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you’ve also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you’re going to have rioting in the streets.
No one is better at not beating America than England.
The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.