In case you’re wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you’re all wearing at home.
Gay people can’t be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What’s the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can’t, he’s adorable.
I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.
I’m not a very serious Jew. I don’t wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.
I can’t sing. Never been able to sing. I can’t do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can’t dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of ’so we dropped bombs on everyone.
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it’s cool, because it’s not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
And then you’ve got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He’s basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don’t think Bush is Jewish enough.
If Obama’s a tyrant, he’s a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can’t get cloture?
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up – rehab and then a stint on VH1.
The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.
That’s what it’s like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that’s a good year for you. So that’s not a pleasant feeling.
We don’t consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that’s not – you know, that’s the beauty of fake journalism. We don’t have to – we travel in fake ethics.
Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
High school. You know, people say, ‘I’ll never do so-and-so again’ – then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you’re looking to stay awake.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you’re overwhelmed by something or if you’re not.
Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I’m fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn’t it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?