The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.
Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you’ll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?
Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.
We’re going to do a challenge. I’m going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare – and we’ll see which happens first.
When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you’ve overstepped your bounds, you’ve overstepped your bounds.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, ‘Way to try!’
The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.
Isn’t it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?
If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children.
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.
Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.
Well, I’m sold. I’ll take one America.
New York City isn’t Chuck E. Cheese. We don’t have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.
I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.
It’s not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.
Here’s the thing about global warming that I didn’t realize: it would all happen at once.
So if you’re negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.
I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.
Democrats – always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.