I have only one moral precept; never smoke more than five cigars at a time.
There are some natures which never grow large enough to speak out and say a bad act is a bad act, until they have inquired into the politics or the nationality of the man who did it.
Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!
We regret the things we don’t do more than the things we do.
The law is a system that protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer.
Life ain’t about how fast you run or how high you climb, It’s all about how good you bounce. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
If I’d seen a playwright ever write an’ play at the same time, I’d have given ‘em more of a chance at cards. Can I get an ‘amen?’
It is impossible that a genius – at least a literary genius – can ever be discovered by his intimates; they are so close to him that he is out of focus to them and they can’t get at his proportions; they can’t perceive that there is any considerable difference between his bulk and their own.
Balloon: Thing to take meteroric observations and commit suicide with.
Benefit of clergy: Half-rate on the railroad.
Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by, you only regret that you didn’t see him do it.
First catch your Boer, then kick him.
Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.
Good wine needs no bush; a jug is the thing.
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.
It is hard enough luck being a monarch, without being a target also.
Let us save the tomorrows for work.
None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness; but we can try.
Slang in a woman’s mouth is not obscene, it only sounds so.
The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.