A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.
There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.
Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.
Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.
If the bubble reputation can be obtained only at the cannon’s mouth, I am willing to go there for it, provided the cannon is empty.