Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.
The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now.
Write what you know.
It’s easy to make friends, but hard to get rid of them.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
A home without a cat – and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat – may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?
It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
Don’t say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn’t.
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it.
Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.
I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.
Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it.
Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.