Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man’s side?
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, “I wish he was my kid for one day!”
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.
This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”
It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.
Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand – and they feel glorious.
I don’t mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you’re insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.