I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Sir, I didn’t deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
I can’t tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there’s never one around.
It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Jews don’t drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Money can’t buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne – Eau de Owe.