I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they’re lost.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
I just bought a great gift for my boss – a leaky ant farm.
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas – like a Mexican divorce.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
Talk about cheap – on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
She wanted an Italian sports car – with the sport still in it.
One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Our local department store had two Santas – one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he’s working.