Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, “Don’t worry. The little bit of work I do won’t be noticed !!!”
If you hire relatives, you’ll have a payroll that won’t quit.
We inherit a lot from our parents: mom’s eyes, dad’s chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn’t punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom’s to thank for.“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.
The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let’s Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
Who says we didn’t have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it’s the kids who have to do all the work.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs – is that a promise or a threat?
My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.