The funniest racism is the racism between minorities. It’s something you don’t see dramatized, but almost every minority I know who’s my age, they have these funny stories about their parents stereotyping other minorities.
Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.
One friend with whom you have a lot in common is better than three with whom you struggle to find things to talk about.
I had to learn a skill set. I think I had the materials to be a good comedy writer.
Listen, my body is attracted to your body but when you speak it makes my brain angry.
I guess when you go to business school you never turn business off.
Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. My opinion? Take care of revenge right away.
That’s the one nice thing about being a dork about men: you can sometimes play it off as restrained and classy.
I feel like I’m in the right profession.
Always Wear Flats and Have Your Friends Sleep Over: A Step-by-Step How-To Guide for Avoiding Getting Murdered.
In my mind, the sexiest thing in the world is the feeling that you’re wanted.
I cringe a lot when I look at my early talk-show experiences.
There are many teenage vampire books you could have purchased instead. I’m grateful you made this choice.
I just want ambitious teenagers to know it is totally fine to be quite, observant kids. Besides being a delight to your parents, you will find you have plenty of time later to catch up.
It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it’s cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship.
People don’t want to listen to a celebrity tweeting about their charities and shows. That’s why comedy writers do well – we put out little funny ideas.
Comedy writers have the most fragile egos.
What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.
I’ve always had that chip on my shoulder. I’ve just always been super hard on myself.
True love is singing karaoke ‘under pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.