I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I’m really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can’t guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
Advil has a candy coating. It’s delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That’s magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.