I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i’ll say something and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll still be like what, so now he’s got me yellin. Man that tree is far away.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!”
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
I like those blow-up beds. “This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!” Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. “Yeah, but you can store this thing.” You can store a bed, too – in the bedroom.
It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky...
I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying “We don’t have to fix anything.”
If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.