I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here!”
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.’
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!”
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you’re gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I’ve got packs of pop with me. “Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!”
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.