Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over!”
People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. “Cheeseburgers?” “Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.”
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.”
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i’ll say something and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll still be like what, so now he’s got me yellin. Man that tree is far away.