When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, “Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!”
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. “Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?” “That one, and every one on the bottom row!”
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising, because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.”
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.
I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.