I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don’t do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.
I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!”
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers! I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates!
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.