I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, “What kind of cigars do you like?” I answered, “It’s a Boys.”
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!”
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
You know crazy straws – they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, “we’re going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy.”
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
I like to smoke a pipe, because it’s the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
I don’t want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop”!
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!”
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, “Don’t even worry about snakes anymore”. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, “Lay down!”
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of them.
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say “tomatoes”, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like I’ve got it all wrong.
We don’t have to fix anything.