I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.
As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. “How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!” That’s what you say when you’re having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! “Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.”
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!”
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I’ve still got tartar, but it’s under control.
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The customer’s always right.