If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, “What?” So I say it again, and he says, “What?” Really, it’s just some insignificant stuff I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, “That tree is far away!”
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I’m at his house, I don’t like to take food from him, if it’s in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can’t have one. I wouldn’t want to screw up his practice routine.
I like Kinko’s, because they’re open 24 hours. If it’s 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I’m covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, “Oh, yeah. Kinko’s. No problem. That will not remain singular.”
XM radio doesn’t have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I’m like, “What should I buy?”
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!”
I did a radio interview; the DJ’s first question was “Who are you?” I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!”
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes. You’re all happy at first, but then by the end, you’re sick of ’em.
That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows?
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.
If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.”
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...