I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone’s door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe’s home, knock on wood!”
Why are there no “during” pictures?
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for “add sugar to”.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’ll say, “Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.”
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That’s simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? “Yeah, but they’re comfortable!”
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
A lot of bands have intense names, like “Rigor Mortis” or “Mortuary”. We weren’t that intense, we called ourselves “Injured”. Later on we changed it to “Acapella” when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?”
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, “Hey – maybe a killer is after you!”
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!