I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff’s under control. I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That’s actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I’m just joking.
Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Come on ‘long prosperous life!’
Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.
I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house.
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
People think I’m into sports because I’m a man. But I’m not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away – “Knock knock – Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, “OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?”
There’s a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn’t laughing. “Oh, distinctive laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!”
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You’re like, “Crap! I wish I hadn’t seen Ricky on the sidewalk!”