I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say “tomatoes”, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
We don’t have to fix anything.
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like “I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!”
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.
Then let’s print up some flyers!
Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this.” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”
I thought I’d go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there – “Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize”. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I’ll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don’t realize that. When I’m cutting onions, I’m sad. Because the plight of onions, it’s sad. But people don’t realize I’m actually crying – they think I’m just reacting.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...
My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all.
I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish.