Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’!
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
I don’t know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m screwed. But if the gas tank says “E”, I get all cocky – “I’ve got this one, don’t worry.” So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ ‘You son of bit, how’d you pull that off Let me see that camera. What’s it look like’
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it. One day I’m gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.