I love to write jokes and that’s all I think about.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don’t count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I’m going to be quite young.
I have a hold limit that I’ve set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.
My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren’t home.
I don’t look back. I’m like a shark – I only look forward.
Men don’t live well by themselves. They don’t even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Men who write love letters don’t live in this century.
Los Angeles is a very transient town. It’s the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.
Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.
There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn’t ever been done before. Well, she didn’t have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.
Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can’t they just get lost?
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.