Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds – natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds – heroin.
Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.
An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn’t work.
After you’ve dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what’s wrong with them so the next person doesn’t have to start from scratch.
One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.
My new dress. Do you like it? It’s from my favorite designer, On Sale.
My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
Nobody is really happy with what’s on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men – how about “New Car Interior”?
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don’t understand them, and they don’t want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
I’ll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
The logic was, there weren’t too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.