If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say “Thank you.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.”
I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, ‘I gotta go to Broadway.’
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.
I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.
Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.
I don’t think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.