Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.”
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn’t have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’
I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.
The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.
My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take.
I hate learning through experience. Just once I’d like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
Yes, I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.
It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.