Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
When I want to end a relationship I just say, ‘You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replay in sports. They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.
I get a lot of return business. I think it’s all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
When you’re a dancer, you start with the basics. You don’t all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
I don’t like when there’s too much conversation because I’m shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
I don’t want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I’ll just make you laugh.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
I’m a very simple person. I’m very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that’s me.
If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.
I get so happy when I write a joke. It’s a very satisfying, liberating feeling.