Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
You know you’re old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.