To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I told my wife ‘hey honey come on, let’s make love like the old days.’ She asked me for 50 bucks.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!
I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won’t let me toke at home.
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times – three while I was reading it.
Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: ‘Basement?’
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.