I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’
We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
Women my age just don’t turn me on. That’s another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There’s water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where’s the car? She said, In a lake.
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale’s.
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names – hers and her mother’s.
Man, who don’t like spaghetti?
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
I’ve been writing jokes since I’m fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn’t good to me.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.