Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.
I asked him “Who said you could fool around with my wife” he said everybody.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it”.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I’m envious of a stiff wind.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
What a doctor I’ve got – he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That’s one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.