My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark...
I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”
I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.