Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn – Prancer and Dancer – they dropped off a little something.
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn’t make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don’t make it, I’ll never know it.
The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful – never made me breakfast once. I don’t want to get started. One story is worse than another.
I’m a downer. I’ve been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.
I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there’s definitely a hooker involved.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired then stays up and reads her book.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
He who laughs last didn’t get it in the first place.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.