You live with life’s disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
I’ve learned to control everything. I don’t get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That’s life. What good is it to get angry?
At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
I’d like to get some new clothes, but I can’t find a Big and Short store.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex – my wife screwed in front of the jury.
If you can’t write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
I asked my wife, ‘Is there somebody else?’ She said, ‘There MUST be.’
With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!