It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they’ve done themselves.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is “don’t tell the butcher”!
My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles.
My wife’s so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn’t make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”
I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, “what, you can’t think of anybody either?”
And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, “Why are you jogging in your underwear?” He says, “You came home from work early”.