When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
What a childhood I had – I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
My wife gives good headache.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women’s prisons, and wait for parolees.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog’s bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it’s not in my act.
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi – yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
There’s only one thing wrong with my wife’s face – it shows.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.