One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section.
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I have three kids, one of each.
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, ‘I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.’ I brought Windex.
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud.
I can’t get no respect.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
My mother used to rock me – and she used big rocks.
At certain times I like sex – like after a cigarette.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap.
If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half!
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.