I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid’s picture that came with the wallet he bought.
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.
You take care and I hope I’ll run into you – when I’m driving.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.