Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’
You know you’re old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.
She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.