I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
It’s nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
They say love thy neighbor as thy self, what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn’t, so he nailed down my other foot!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.