Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.
Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.
There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.
The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out.
Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.
Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.
Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.
I’m surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.
I get mail; therefore I am.
The only risk of failure is promotion.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have to ride around with jerks.
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.
Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.
I’m slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can’t motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.
We know the goats are imported because they don’t speak English.
I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.
The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.
A matador is a guy who didn’t have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.