These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That’s certainly what I’m hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.
There’s a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it’s where most of life happens.
In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog’s job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.
For five hundred dollars, I’ll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.
Home is pretty utopian.
As a fan, I’m distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.
Management is nature’s way of removing idiots from the productive flow.
I calculated the total time that humans have waited for web pages to load. It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. Sometimes I think the web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society.
We’re a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
It is better for your career to do nothing, than to do something and attract criticism.
On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.
The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.
Everything you learn becomes a shortcut for understanding something else.
I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.
By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it’s difficult to sort them out.
No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.
Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.
It’s hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It’s called Karoshi. I don’t want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.
If you don’t believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.