As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.
People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.
I can’t memorize names and shake hands at the same time.
As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won’t run out of material.
Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion.
Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons.
These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That’s certainly what I’m hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.
There’s a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it’s where most of life happens.
In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog’s job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.
For five hundred dollars, I’ll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.
Home is pretty utopian.
As a fan, I’m distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.
Management is nature’s way of removing idiots from the productive flow.
I calculated the total time that humans have waited for web pages to load. It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. Sometimes I think the web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society.
We’re a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
It is better for your career to do nothing, than to do something and attract criticism.
On the fourth day of telecommuting, I realized that clothes are totally unnecessary.
The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.
Everything you learn becomes a shortcut for understanding something else.
I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.