The Apple Pie Hubbub was a significant novel for me, because that’s when I first started using verbs.
Love is a promise delivered already broken.
The banjo is such a happy instrument – you can’t play a sad song on the banjo – it always comes out so cheerful.
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn’t, because he didn’t care.
I just downloaded eleven hundred books onto my Kindle, and now I can’t lift it.
I always think back to my high school days and realize all the people who were so popular then are nowhere now and all the people who were steadfast and steady-going are somewhere. So high school doesn’t necessarily translate to later in life.
I was not naturally talented. I didn’t sing, dance or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive.
Comedy is not pretty.
Writing is extremely personal, and that’s the joy of it for me.
I’m not a human being. I’m despicable and disgusting – but that’s where the money is.
I don’t really manage my time. I really just wait until I’m inspired to do something. And when I’m inspired to do something, it just happens.
When I was in college, I was debating to try my hand at show business, or to become a professor. I just thought of the risk of not going into show business and always wondering if I would’ve had a chance. Because that’s where my real heart was.
Hello. I’m hello, and I’d like to say myself.
I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.
I can juggle. I started juggling as a kid. And when I worked at Disneyland, I knew a juggler there named Christopher Faire, and he taught me how to juggle. I used it in my comedy act for a while.
I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.
It’s funny that some ideas start with a little “What if?” and then suddenly you’re spending a million dollars to shoot the scene and hoping that it works.
You kill me and I’ll see that you never work in this town again.
With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good.