The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.
I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?