There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.
I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?